Hormone replacement therapy (male-to-female)

Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for transgender and transsexual people changes the balance of sex hormones in their bodies. Some intersex people also receive HRT, either starting in childhood to confirm the sex to which they were assigned, or later, if this assignment has proven to be incorrect.

Its purpose is to cause the development of the secondary sex characteristics of the desired sex. It cannot undo many of the changes produced by the first natural occurring puberty, which may necessitate surgery and/or epilation (see below).

The ICD-10 criteria for Transsexualism include the individual having a transsexual identity of over 2 years, a strong and persistent desire to live as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by the desire to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments. These individuals cannot be diagnosed with Transsexualism if it is believed to be a result of another mental disorder, or a genetic, intersex or chromosomal abnormality.

The ICD-10 criteria for Gender identity disorder of childhood in males include the individual being pre-pubescent and having intense and persistent distress about being a boy. The distress must be present for at least six months. The child must either:

1. Have a preoccupation with stereotypic female activities, as shown by crossdressing, simulating female attire, or an intense desire to join in the games and pastimes of girls, rejecting male games and pastimes.
2. Have persistent denial relating to their male anatomy. This can be shown through believing they will grow up to be a woman, that their penis or testes is disgusting or will disappear, or that it would be better not to have a penis.

The DSM-IV-R criteria for Gender Identity Disorder includes four main criteria. The DSM-IV-R also requests that the individual's sexuality is noted.

Strong and persistent cross-gender identity.

In children this may be demonstrated by them meeting four or more of the following criteria:

1. An insistence that one is or desires to be the other sex.
2. Boys must display a preference crossdressing or simulating female attire, and girls must persistently wear only stereotypical male clothing.
3. Persistent fantasies of being the other sex, or strong and persistent preference for cross-sex roles in make-believe play.
4. Intense desire to participate in stereotypical games of the other sex.
5. Strong preference for playmates of the other sex.

Persistent discomfort with their sex or a sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex.

In boys this may manifest as an assertion that their penis or testes are disgusting or will disappear, or asserting that it is better not to have a penis.

In adults and adolescents this manifests as a preoccupation with removing primary or secondary sex characteristics, such as a demand for surgery or hormone replacement therapy.

The disturbance must not be concurrent with a physical intersex condition.

The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupations or important areas of functioning.

The DSM-V moves from Gender Identity Disorder to Gender Dysphoria to avoid the implication that gender nonconformity is in itself a mental disorder, but a similar entry remains in the DSM-V so that individuals may still seek treatment. The DSM-V, unlike the DSM-IV and ICD-10, separates Gender Dysphoria from sexual paraphilias, and diagnoses on the basis of a strong desire that one has feelings and convictions typical of the other sex, or that one strongly desires to be treated as the other sex or be rid of one's sex characteristics.

The readability of patients to transition is also relevant to undertake hormone replacement therapy, which includes the patient's likelihood to take hormones in a responsible manner, have made progress in mastering other identified problems that leads to improving or continuing stable mental health, and have had further consolidation of gender identity during psychotherapy or Real Life Experience of their desired gender role.^[3]

Some organizations still require a period of time living as the desired gender role, based on standards such as the Standards of Care for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender Nonconforming People (WPATH). This period is sometimes called the Real Life Experience (RLE). Endocrine Society in 2009 specified that individuals should either have a documented 3 months Real Life Experience or a period of psychotherapy of length specified by the mental health provider, usually a minimum of 3 months.

Some people, especially individuals from the transgender community, say that RLE is psychologically harmful and is a form of "gatekeeping" — effectively barring people from transitioning for as long as possible, if not permanently.

Some individuals choose to self-administer their medication ("do-it-yourself"), often because available doctors have too little experience in this matter, or no doctor is available in the first place. Sometimes, trans persons choose to self-administer because their doctor will not prescribe hormones without a letter from the patient's therapist stating that the patient meets the diagnostic criteria for GID and is making an informed decision to transition. Many therapists require at least three months of continuous psychotherapy and/or a real life test in order to write such a letter as is suggested in the HBIGDA Standards of Care. In these circumstances, the individual may self-administer until they can get these authorizations, feeling that they shouldn't have to wait for a medical professional to be convinced of their situation. In addition, as many individuals must pay for evaluation and care out-of-pocket, expense can also be prohibitive to pursuing such therapy.

However, self-administration of certain hormones (namely ethinyl estradiol) and anti-androgens (namely cyproterone acetate, flutamide, and nilutamide) is potentially dangerous and can cause an elevation in liver enzymes.

"Suck cock until you can’t think."

On the Adoration of the Lingam, by Kalkinath

"He who desires perfection of the soul must worship the lingam."

Linga Purana

"Suck cock until you can’t think."

Daniel Suders, The Fourteen Steps

The Lingam of Shiva

The term Lingam, in Sanskrit, means ‘sign’. Shiva, as the Absolute - that which is unmanifest, can only be perceived by the means of his creation - the source of life from which the world is issued. This is the principle upon which the veneration of the phallus is based in Shaivite mysticism.

"Shiva is without sign, without colour, without taste, without odour, beyond the reach of words or touch, without qualities, immutable and immovable."

"The distinctive sign by which one can recognise the nature of something is therefore called lingam."

Linga Purana

A central concept in Tantra is that of divine immanence – that one can experience the divine through the worship of god or goddess in a living form. This commonly appears in the forms of tantric puja (ritual) where a goddess is worshipped in the form of a living woman. Jeffrey J. Kripal notes the teachings of Vaishnavacharan, a nineteenth-century tantric contemporary of Ramakrishna, whose Kartabhaja sect of tantrics practised the method of "delighting in God in the forms of man." That is to say, Vaishnavacharan’s followers sought to experience divine ecstasy by making a living man the subject of their adoration. Kripal infers that this would have included sex-play.

Blowjob Bhakti

One of the central homo-erotic interludes in Hindu myth is Agni’s swallowing of the semen of Shiva, which led to a chain of events culminating in the birth of the god Skanda. Skanda is considered by some writers to be the object of devotion by a homo-erotic cult in India and elsewhere.

"Then from his linga Shiva released his perfect seed which had the fragrant perfume of jasmine or the blue lotus. Agni took it into his hands and drank it, rejoicing, thinking, ‘Elixir!’ and then Shiva vanished." - Saura Purana, quoted in Conner, Sparks & Sparks, p44.

Semen is the purest form of sacrificial elixir – the Soma offering given to the fire of desire. The Vedic texts contain many references to semen as a form of food. On an esoteric level, the ingestion of semen is a form of eucharist whereby the deity resides in the semen and enters the body of the practitioner. The magical properties of ingesting semen appears in a wide variety of cultural contexts.

Sucking cock is an act of worship. Kneeling before a man is an adoration, or an abasement. Accepting the semen of a stranger or lover is immensely powerful. There’s a power in yielding, in abandoning oneself, and a power in one’s ability, through passion and skill, to bring about the pleasure of another.

In the Kama Sutra, fellatio is referred to as auparishtaka – ‘superior coition’, and associates its practice with hijras or male prostitutes.

Jivantalingapuja – Worship of the Living Lingam

This is an outline, using tantric principles, for a sexual puja employing fellatio. 

Salutation to Ganesha

A salutation to Ganesha, whom Shiva decreed should be worshipped prior to the beginning of any auspicious act, is made. The penis, (particularly if flaccid), may be adored as Ganesha’s trunk.

Bathing the Phallus

Bathing the phallus is a ritual act of purification, preparing it to become the vehicle of the indwelling deity. This may be done as a ritual oblation or by tongue-bathing.

Nyasa

Nyasa (placing) is the ritual act of identifying the body (or part, in this case) with the indwelling deity. Again this may be done ritually, or silently, through massage and stroking.

Om, I salute Shiva in the balls

Na, I salute Shiva in the root

Ma, I salute Shiva in the shaft

Shi, I salute Shiva in the crown

Va, I salute Shiva in the tip

Ya, I salute Shiva in the eye

Invoking the Deity

Invoking the chosen deity (i.e. Shiva) into the vessel is traditionally performed by the practitioner identifying with the deity through internal meditation and then externalising the indwelling deity into the vessel via the breath. Here, it may be appropriate to identify oneself with Agni (see above) before simultaneously breathing onto and stroking the penis so that it becomes a vessel for divinity.

Adoring the Lingam

Having installed the deity into the penis, it may now be adored. One may choose to use the delightful prose of the tantras or something more contemporary, depending on circumstances. Some partners might be somewhat alarmed to hear their cock described as "shining with the light of ten thousand suns."

Superior Coition

The Kama Sutra describes the ‘eight ways’ of performing fellatio:

Casual

Clasping the penis with one hand, bringing the lips close, rounding them over the mast, whilst pressing, releasing and shaking.

Nibbling the sides

Covering the end of the penis with one hand, pressing the lips to the sides and nibbling slightly at the same time.

External Pinching

Bringing his lips close to the penis, he presses the mast and kisses it whilst sucking. When the sex has been stimulated by being nibbled along the sides, he himself, excited at the first contact with his lips, lets the end of the penis penetrate into his mouth, pressing it and sucking and, having bared it, he releases it.

Internal Pinching

On request, he then lets the penis penetrate further, and, pressing it between his lips, causes an ejaculation.

The Kiss

Encircling the penis with his hand instead of his lips, he kisses it. Let the tip of the tongue wander and titillate the meatus opening, cleaning it carefully. This is called polishing.

Browsing

Having done this, with the tip of the tongue, licking the mast all over and titillating the opening, is known as browsing.

Sucking the Mango

Having bared the mast, pressing the organ hard, passionately, whilst half inside, and sucking whilst pressing, is known as sucking the mango.

Devouring

Having understood the man’s desire and in order to satisfy his wish to come, he makes him ejaculate by the pressure of his tongue until the sperm gushes out.

Consuming the Soma

Assuming one wishes to do this, the divine essence may be held in the mouth whilst one meditates on the force of Shiva, before being swallowed or shared. Alternatively, a spunk-filled condom can be retained for later burial or use in anointing. Also, as Katon Shual has pointed out, dried semen can be burnt, and the ashes imbided safely.

Sources

Cassell’s Encyclopedia of Queer Myth, Symbol and Spirit, Conner, Sparks & Sparks, Cassell, 1997

The Complete Kama Sutra, Alain Daniélou, Park Street Press, 1994

The Myths and Gods of India, Alain Daniélou, Inner Traditions, 1991

The Phallus: Sacred Symbol of Male Creative Power, Alain Daniélou, Inner traditions, 1995

Rebels & Devils: The Psychology of Liberation, Christopher S. Hyatt (ed), New Falcon Publications, 1996

Kali’s Child: The Mystical and the Erotic in the Life and Teachings of Ramakrishna, Jeffrey J. Kripal, University of

Are You a Sissy?

From: www.briannaaustin.com

Growing up in Brooklyn, New York during the 1960s, the term “sissy” had a much different meaning than it does today.

Where do you fall on that spectrum?

When I was a kid, as a closet cross-dresser, I was all too familiar with the term, and avoided association with it at all costs.  A sissy was often the opposite of a Tom Boy. Back then a sissy was any boy who acted effeminate; any boy who wore clothes deemed girlish in style or color; any boy who did things considered girly; any boy who moved in anyway less than “macho” – God forbid you allowed others to see your wrist hanging limp!

Wikipedia describes a sissy as (derived from sister; also sissy baby, sissy boy, etc.) is a pejorative term for a boy or man who violates or does not meet the traditional male gender role. Generally, sissy implies a lack of courage and stoicism, which are thought important to the male role. A man might also be considered a sissy for being interested in traditionally feminine hobbies or employment (e.g., being fond of fashion, going to meditation sessions, or cooking), for displaying effeminate behavior (e.g., saying "mua mua" before hanging up the phone or using creams), for being un-athletic, or for being homosexual.

This left a lot of sissy quicksand for one to fall into; wear pink, yellow or powder blue anything – shirt, socks, shorts, jacket – and you might as well just adopt a girl’s name right there on the spot and be content to watch the boys play from then on without you -- because you’d never again be allowed to join in boy games.  Get caught by friends playing girl games – like house, fashion show or tea for two -- with sisters or girlfriends or girl cousins --, and you’d be exiled to girls land forever.  And even getting caught doing domestic things – cooking or cleaning, for example --, though you might get a pass because everyone knows that “mom made you do it!”, you’d still be ribbed relentlessly for quite a while.

Oddly the actual closet sissies rarely, if ever, got called on anything because they were always on guard: they never did or said anything that would reveal their private sissy-ness to anyone.

The closest I ever came was when I performed in an Irish Jig dance troupe. After one particular performance, some kid in the audience called me a sissy.  It was a good thing that I concurrently was taking martial arts, and when we scuffled and I flipped him, my “tough guy” image was secured.

While it was an unwritten obligation for any “man” boy to out a sissy when he saw one, he’d often do so with his sole motivation simply to show that he himself wasn’t a sissy.

As boys growing up in the 1960s, we had macho standards to uphold.  They were set decades before our own by the screen actor rebels like James Dean or Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, or even clean-cut but dashing manly-men like Kirk Douglas, Gregory Peck or Cary Grant. In the 1960s Steve McQueen ushered in a new standard: he was the King of Cool.  We had lots of macho roles to emulate.

For many decades the words sissy and homosexual were synonymous.  Any cross-dresser would certainly be deemed a sissy; what “man” would wear women’s clothing and make up?

But things have changed through the decades, both in meaning and vernacular.   Gender has gotten more fluid, especially in clothing styles and colors, the acceptance of men engaging in cooking classes, and generally becoming more domesticated.

There is now an entire sub-culture in the transgender community where men are sissified, which is like feminized, but with more frilly and submissive overtones, and often tied to B&D (bondage and domination) activities.

While some transgender gurlz strive to become more feminine, most envision themselves either as women [trapped in a man’s body), “Two Spirited” – possessing both feminine and masculine components that comprise their gender identity, or simply guys that like to be feminine and pretty occasionally – and what’s wrong with that?

The sissy, however, doesn’t see himself as a women; in fact he is firmly rooted in the reality that he is not a woman, nor can he every truly become one, but no longer a man either. In many instances the sissy sees women as the superior species, and is happy to simply elevate themselves to their highest possible feminine representation of female.

To that end, the sissy acts and dresses as frilly and feminine as possible, but never in a mainstream way. They love ruffles, satin, and lace in yellow, white and pink, anything that accentuates femininity – usually garters & stockings, high heels, and costumes.  But it can also include baby girl and little girl attire and actions as well.

Their goal is not to assimilate; thus the frills are both an adoration of feminism, and a reminder that they’re merely emulating that which they can never actually be.

It is then no surprise that most sissies are usually submissive in nature, a soft demeanor that earns to serve.  Often when you come upon social profiles of sissies, they are seeking a “strong master or mistress” to train them. This is yet another way of saying, “bring out the girl in me and suppress the male … PLEASE!”

Is being a sissy then really about being and looking feminine, or is it really – at the root – about power, the lack of, and/or exchange of it?

Being a sissy these days isn’t about dressing up somewhere and getting a little sexual eroticism; it’s a commitment to becoming something not female or male, but highly feminine, regardless of the age play.  No one in the broader transgender community really understands sissies, just like the mainstream – or the gay community for that matter -- doesn’t really get transgender.

So sissies are left to their own devices, or God-willing a master or mistress that can guide, mold and nurture them.  Being a sad sissy is pointless, because according to Quentin Crisp, “their biscuit-baking mothers would tell them that if they’re looking for sympathy, that they’ll find it in the thesaurus between shit and syphilis … and after Sissy.”

Until next time sissies, be happy, be save, and always think pretty!

Becoming a Woman

From: http://www.briannaaustin.com/

Do you dream of life as a woman 24/7?  Is it reality or fantasy that drives you?

Many of us have fantasized about becoming a woman; waking everyday with silky smooth legs and curvaceous bodies. Gliding in high heels, wearing makeup, garter-belts, and stockings and blending in.  Enjoying our feminine self without any hecklers or unwanted remarks. For some this is more than fantasy, it is a life long objective just within reach.

There are so many t-sisters out there searching for happiness convinced that they would find it in womanhood. For a very few, some who are truly transsexuals – woman trapped in a man’s body -- they do find happiness. For too many others it was but an empty illusion. Cross dressers often experience such joy in the female role that some seek that joy all the time. But one must recognize the illusion they experience. When one dresses up and steps out in our high heels (or stays in), the joy is in the magic of that moment.  But it is just that – a moment; a fleeting utopian second. Can the experience really be sustained? 

First off, many CDs don't dress because they're displaced women in a man’s body.  Dressing provides an escape from something; whether it is an over bearing mother, father or wife, a release of the pressures of one's job, an ability to express a part of one’s self more comfortably through a female persona, sexual gratification or any of dozens of other descriptions. What am I saying? I am saying that it is great in a limited space of time, but to do it everyday may not be the dream one imagines. 

When many men dress they leave the problems of life with their male identity and escape into the wonderful carefree life of womanhood, and it can be delicious. It's delicious however because they don't have any of the problems of LIVING as a woman.  When you seek to be a woman all the time however, you re-enter back into the real world. Your previous problems, from which you were trying to escape, are no longer escapable as a full-time woman.

Moreover, the problems are still there except you now have to deal with them as a woman, which is not an easy task. I have had so many men say to me “I am so relaxed as a woman.” Perhaps they are relaxed because they have escaped the day to day grind and pressure of life. Many CD’s when they are in their “I have to dress” frame of mind, can’t think of anything else. They will put off important issues until they are done in an hour – a day or a week later, knowing that they will return to the issues at hand when they are fulfilled. Many times they return feeling renewed and refreshed. But if you were living as a woman you could not put these things off; they would be part of your life and have to be dealt with timely.    


Not only does transition mean dealing with life “as” a woman; it means experiencing life “not” as a man. Many of the benefits of being a man will disappear, and there are many benefits in this society to being a man I assure you. I am not trying to de-rail anyone's desires of pursuing their dream of transition or full time dressing. I'm infusing some hard reality to consider before leaping: make sure you've thought it through, weighed the realities against the fantasies, and are driven by the core of who you are and not by the person you like to be, sometimes.  

Moreover, a woman has been practicing her assimilation into society all her life – from childhood through the teenage years right into adulthood. She has been prepared to live in society as a woman, learning about her strengths and weaknesses, the advantages and setbacks. You have not. A man who was used to certain access, attention and respect may be very frustrated by the new lack of it. Many trans-girls say to me “I get so much attention as a girl, more than I ever did as a man.” Honey that is sideshow attention, you are the spectacle, the organ grinder monkey. The monkey gets lots of attention – what does that really mean? Would you get more attention and respect at work, in applying for a loan, making a business deal, or is it only at the tranny bar? Give that some real honest thought.

Choosing to transition is not about convenience either.  Because it may be a hard road doesn't make it the wrong road.  It's a decision however that does require taking all things into account.  

In 1985 I had a dear friend known as International Chrysis (see photo at left). She was tall, feminine and beautiful -- ala Rita Hayworth. She was a bombshell who was very comfortable in her gay sexual orientation, unlike many cross dressers who have internal struggles over whether they're gay, BI or heterosexual. She had started hormones at the age of 16 and in her 30s -- with an hourglass figure and 38-C breasts -- at times would question her decision.

I spent many nights with her as she cried saying “what have I done, I am a monster.” When I asked what she meant she said, “I should have just been a gay man.” I was stunned. How could this be? She was beautiful, feminine and had no question about her sexuality.  She was a natural candidate to be TS, yet still had internal conflicts. 

People assume that everybody fits into a clear mold based on certain factors, I certainly did. Chrysis struggled with life as a woman spending most of her time androgynous in her hairstyle and clothing. Only during a night out, or doing a show did portray the illusion of a woman, yet always referred to her makeup and wig as drag. “Let me get out of this drag” she would say at the end of the night.

It was only a year or so before her death that she let her hair grow and began to accept and portray the role of a woman. She even landed a speaking part in the movie Q & A with Nick Nolte shortly before her untimely death, and was thesubject of the documentary Split.  (She is greatly missed!)

A current friend is on a fast track to transition; the hormones are flowing, breasts are growing, skin softening and surgery is being planned. When she is complete - does that make her a woman? She still reacts like a man, has the temperament of a man, thinks like a man and has the libido of a man. So with the body of a woman what is she? On the contrary, my very dear friend Teryl-Lynn Fox (the former Miss Gay Louisiana and countless other titles), never even dressed up the first time until she was in her late teens, and within a few years started living full-time.  She said it best: “Womanhood is something you have to grow into, it is not something you just become. It is a journey that evolves – changing continually.” 

Many of my other friends struggle for a sense of understanding. Is my current friend a gay man looking for validation? Does she think in her mind that to be with a man would be O.K. if she were a woman? Sexuality plays a huge underlying role in the lives of many cross dressers. Another friend once told me “I am not gay, I am only with men when I am dressed up.” “Does the dress make a difference” I asked?  To her it apparently does. This is not to portray that all cross dressers are confused about their sexual orientation, because there are many that are very comfortable in their heterosexual -- or homosexual -- orientation. But if they were heterosexual then that would make them lesbians wouldn’t it? On second thought,  that is another article all together. 

“Your body is the taxi that carries YOU around” I once wrote.  Who you are is what this article is all about, inside you, your heart, your spirit and your soul. Don’t rush off in hope that transition will make your life better; find out who you are first. When you get in touch with that, then, and only then are you ready to deal with a life-altering decision.  

If you have the spirit of a woman and really want to bring your body in line with “you”, which you believe in your very bones should have been a woman, then transition makes sense, but absolutely anything less is a tempting but empty fantasy.

As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.

Sex as a Transwoman

From: www.thestranger.com

Speed dating doesn't usually appeal to me. But when I saw a speed-dating event specifically for queer and trans people, I couldn't resist. I was traveling, and my expectations weren't very high, but there was one person I hit it off with. She was hanging out with trans friends, and all signs said she was perfectly safe. Still, I must admit, there was a tinge of hesitation on my part. You'd be surprised how many people are fine with having trans friends but freak out at the prospect of a trans lover. After the event ended, I worked up the courage to make a move. Before I knew it, we were making out in a hotel room.

For trans people, sex can be an anxiety-laden issue. Sexuality has been used as the basis for a lot of discrimination against trans people, who are treated as sexual objects, and the medical system has a long history of putting trans people through twisted expectations around sexuality.

For example, the first time I went to a therapist, out of the blue he asked me if I ever masturbated while wearing my mother's clothing. I was taken aback by his incestuous suggestion and only later realized it was apparently a diagnostic test. (Supposedly, if you crossdress without masturbating, you're a true transsexual, but if you masturbate, too, then it's just a sexual fetish.)

Liking sex too much, in the wrong way, or with the wrong people can mean you don't get access to hormones. After decades of this system, trans people learned and taught each other how to jump through all the right hoops. For some, it's just about preparing younger trans people to deal with the doctors. Many of these outdated notions have been removed since the turn of the century; however, large portions of the trans community continue to enforce them anyway.

When I was first transitioning, an older trans woman explained one benefit of testosterone blockers: They kill your sex drive. She said fetishists can't stand it, so only the true women remain. My jaw dropped at the implication that real women don't have sex drives, but I remembered her lesson—pretend not to want sex or people will judge you.

When I hook up with someone, the ghosts of those conversations are often in my head. Others invest so much attention in how trans people use our genitals. Are they expecting me to penetrate them? Will they be disappointed if I don't want to? Will they be disgusted if I do? With so many other people's desires for my body, it can be hard to know my own desires. At some points, I can't tell if I'm actually averse to certain kinds of touching or sex, or if I just think that I should be. Either way, the result is the same: anxiety if we try it.

Sex should be humanizing. It should be about what you want to do, not what you think others want you to do. That's actually a big part of why I got into making porn and erotic documentaries. I wanted a space where other trans people and I could take center stage and represent ourselves in our own vision.

I love moments in which being trans just doesn't matter. It can happen in porn, with a familiar partner, or just with someone who I know is a good ally. I don't have to stop to say, "Wait, there's something about me you should know," as tension rises for a dramatic reveal. I don't feel like there's some toxic cloud hanging over me that requires us to sit down and have a serious conversation. I can feel like any other person. In the throes of passion, I don't want to have to ask a potentially mood-killing question like "Are you afraid of seeing me completely naked?"

As it turned out, that night after speed dating, we kept our underwear on the entire time. I don't know if that's something she wanted or something she thought I wanted. With a Hitachi Magic Wand pressed between us, I stopped imagining everything that could go wrong and just focused on all the ways we could make it go right. Honestly, we probably could have benefited from some more communication. But, for once, I was grateful not to need it.

So how do you make sex great when you or your partner is trans? Do you talk it all through or do you pretend it doesn't matter? Do you plan out each move or be spontaneous? It depends on circumstance. The best advice I can give is that while sex when you're trans can be really complicated, you don't have to make it complicated.

Communication can be powerful, just don't make it be about being trans. Discuss with all your partners what words turn them off and what words make them hot. Ask someone you're with what sort of sex they want to have, what sort of touch is good, and if there are any spots or activities to avoid. Know what you might expect but don't make assumptions. Take stock of your anxieties and ask for whatever reassurances you need to feel safe. Above all, remember sex is supposed to be about fulfilling the desires of the people in the room, and you should ignore the messages from others who might judge. 

Tobi Hill-Meyer is a multiracial trans woman activist, writer, and filmmaker. She runs the feminist porn site DoingItOnline.com, and her work can be found in Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource for the Transgender Community and atHandbasketProductions.com.