At age 5, I believed I was a girl in a boy's body.
Soon, I started nosing around my sister's closet. On occasion, I would try on her clothes. This went on for years, secretly. When I was 12, I started shoplifting girls' clothes. "Putting them on made me feel calmer, more like myself. It was a stress relief." My deep desire was to talk to my mother about my need to be a girl. But it never happened. I was too ashamed.
In high school, I dated girls. "I was always attracted to women. But at times, I tried to imagine dating boys. I just knew that if I could make a wish to change into a woman, I would have done it every day. It became so stressful that I'd throw all my women's clothes in a dumpster and swear, 'Never again will I do this!'"
Ten years went by. I secretly researched every aspect of transgender topics and read blogs written by trans women. Things finally became clear. At 25, I decided to say good-bye to Me and live as Nancy.
Confession
"Can we talk?" I asked my wife. The pressure that had been inside for 25 years had finally been revealed. I was looking into my wife's beautiful brown eyes. I made my confession: "I'm a transsexual." My head dropped to her chest. I explained this was something I'd been struggling with all my life. She said: "That's all you were going to tell me?" She told me she wasn't going anywhere. Somehow she knew. I was greatly relieved.
Therapy
I found a psychotherapist who wasn't too far away. I was able to find one who specialized in gender issues. I knew what I needed to do and was eager for a therapist to unravel whatever it was that had gripped me for so long. I really wanted a referral to an endocrinologist - certifying that I was mentally stable enough to start hormone-replacement therapy (HRT). But during the one- to two-hour sessions I attended at least once a month, just saying "I want to transition" out loud gave me confidence and made me feel less crazy. Several months later, I got the referral.
"Are you sure that this is what you want to do?" the endocrinologist asked at our brief meeting. "Yes," I said. And with that, I was written a prescription for low doses of estrogen, progesterone, and Spironolactone. I made an appointment for three months down the road.
Hormones
Those three little pills were my turning point. Initially, it was difficult to tell whether the differences I felt were from the hormones or from the excitement about my change. Soon, I started to feel more normal, emotionally and physically. The hormones softened my skin, made my hair grow faster, and redistributed some of my body fat—my arms slimmed down and weight moved from my chest to my hips. And yes, I'm starting to develop breasts.
Personal Stuff
I've always loved sex with my wife, and I wanted it to continue. Eventually, HRT caused me to lose the ability to get an erection, and at some point. And my desire to have full sex-reassignment surgery, which entails removing the male genitalia and creating a vagina and clitoris, was my goal.
I wondered: will my wife still find me attractive? Will she still want to have sex with me? How will I continue to have sex with my wife if I can't get hard? Somehow it will work for us.
